Measuring Mr Right

Is it a good idea to have a joint account? How do I know he will be loyal? A reader Snehal Bhalerao experiences pre-marital jitters. Counsellor Uttam Dave puts her at ease
Snehal Bhalerao, 28, an HR consultant, is in a situation several women her age would identify with. Young, smart, single, she is still seeking a suitable guy. A romantic, she accepts that marriage is all about companionship and intimacy but is clear she wouldn’t give up her individuality.Hence, while her search for the ‘dream one’ continues, there are a number of concerns about relationship matters. The counsellor solves her queries.
What compromises should one make to make the relationship click?
It’s not about compromises, but adjustment. Take into account your husband’s concerns too. Let’s say, you will be out late in the night. By all means do what you want, but at least ensure he is informed. Just like the way you would want him to respect your needs and desires, you should respect his too.
How does one gauge if one’s partner will be loyal or not?
You can’t. You can only select a partner based on present compatibility. But accept that people change with time and circumstances. Anything can happen, so never assume that just because your partner seems very loyal now, he won’t cheat in the future. The reverse may be true too. But if he/she has confided about his/her promiscuous past and you are scared things won’t change in the future, get him/her to therapy. Resolve issues before taking the plunge.
What should I expect out of a life partner?
The best way is for both, the man and woman to write down their expectations, honestly. Exchange notes. But ensure that both of you go beyond the usual ‘caring, loving’ and similar generic terms. Be specific. If your guy writes he wants an ‘understanding’ wife, ask him to describe what he means by it.
How should one manage finances? Is having joint accounts a bad idea?
Financial matters should ideally be handled by the partner who is more financially savvy. To solve tricky issues, it’s better to set terms like limit each one’s spending for personal expenses. Say you agree on a limit of Rs 10,000. Decide that if one partner spends more than that, he/she needs to inform his better half. When it comes to day-to-day living, be clear on who’s going to spend on what — the groceries, bills, socialising expenses etc. You can have separate accounts if you are uncomfortable with the idea of joint accounts. Having separate accounts does not mean you are leading separate lives.
How do I know if the guy I am dating, is pretending?
The only way is to meet him often over a period of time. It is difficult to fake your original behaviour for that long. Date at least for 3-6 months before getting hitched. Anybody who says “I love you” before that is not the right one for you!
How much does family background affect a guy’s behaviour?
Quite a bit. For instance, if a person hails from a family that has seen abusive behaviour, it is likely it will reflect in his behaviour too, since he’s grown up watching that.
Should I also include my partner’s ideal profession in my wish-list? For instance, I am not comfortable with the idea of a spouse in the army or air-force, I feel they are more prone to having affairs.
The person and his ability to make you happy is important, not his profession. If his job is that important for you, set realistic parameters. For instance, try not to be in a long-distance relationship. Or if you are marrying someone who you know would be working very late hours, spell out the time he must spend with you.
How can I find out if he’s flexible?
Check out the literature he reads and how he behaves in different situations — with colleagues, outsiders, family etc. Does he cling to something? Is he open to trying out new things? A flexible person will have a back-up plan and won’t get flustered when things go awry.
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